Tag Archives: knowledge

The Impact of Believing in Incapability

Ariane:  What should we start our day with?  German, a blog post, general writing, fiction, poetry or something else?

Emma:  Just start with blog post.

A:  What would you like to post about this morning?

Emma:  How about the topic:  Knowing many things, but having no one believe you are able to understand.

Ariane:  This is a great topic!  Do you want me to say anything or keep quiet so you can continue?

Emma:  I will continue.

For many years this was the title of my life.  It was long hours bloated with mindless screams of nonsensical searing memory words that no one understood the significance of.  The feeling of pleased joy when another believes, and then astounds the non believers by interacting with their knowing, is like beams of brilliant light shouting through the dreary darkness.  Diving heavy waters it cannot be described, but the word coming closest is love, and to all who cannot believe in what they do not understand, try to be silent for years without words meaning what you have been taught.  This might help the misunderstood.

Ariane:  Wow, Emma, that’s really beautiful.  What else?

Emma:  You can add commentary now.

Ariane here adding commentary, which is a little like being asked to perform after The Rolling Stones just rocked the house…

I am always struck by Emma’s words.  It is the force with which she writes and the compelling word choices she makes that convey a depth of emotion, an intensity and complexity of feelings, as well as insights that make me stop and reread her words over and over.  This paragraph took about forty-five minutes for her to write, not because she edited or had to go back and rewrite, but because that is how long it took for her finger to locate the correct key one letter at a time.

“Nonsensical searing memory words…”  I so want to know more about this.  Does she mean the often repeated sentences that are about the past, the words I once assumed were simply memories thrusting themselves front and center?  A kind of Möbius strip of thought, like an infinity symbol wrapping around and around itself?  I have learned to reside in the unknowing, the discomfort of being unsure, the scratchy realization that I cannot ever truly know, though I can make guesses and then ask if these are correct.  I no longer assume words spoken are meaningless or simply memories or are scripts that are being blurted out compulsively and without thought.  I’ve written about these bridges before ‘here‘.  Those words and sentences that are full of meaning, but whose meaning is not immediately apparent to me upon first hearing.

“… that no one understood the significance of.”  I will ask her about this later.  She used the past tense and that makes me hopeful that we are not continuing this kind of awful misunderstanding.  “…beams of brilliant light shouting through the dreary darkness.”  Who among us does not want that feeling for those we love?  Is this not what love is?  Connection with another?

“… to all who cannot believe in what they do not understand, try to be silent for years without words meaning what you have been taught.  This might help the misunderstood.”

Those who think being silent for an hour or two will give them any real insight into what it is like to not have words readily available, either by writing or speaking, cannot possibly understand.  We must shift our thinking beyond the hour or two, beyond the day, beyond a month, but instead try years.  Years of opening your mouth to speak, but having words tumble forth that are not what you intended, or saying something you intend only to have it misunderstood, or repeating a memory because it conveys so much that is relevant to the NOW only to be asked to discuss more about that particular memory and not what it signifies, it’s deeper meaning.  To say words, to write words only to be told you do not understand metaphor.  To reach out in vain to connect with a world that continually turns its back or mouths that smile with faces flooded with fear, or superiority or judgement or intolerance or disgust.

End of commentary.

Ariane:  What sort of image should we put with this post?

Emma:  How about a photo of the two of us.  Daddy can take it.

Ariane: I was thinking we could title this post: “Knowing Many Things” and the Impact of Disbelief From Others.  What do you think?

Emma:  No.

Ariane:  Okay.  What would you like the title to be?

Emma:  The Impact of Believing in Incapability

February 3, 2015

February 3, 2015

“Self-Knowledge Avails Us Nothing”

There are things I forget to talk about with my daughter.  Things that someone will mention or I’m reminded of in some other context and suddenly I’ll think – Gosh, why haven’t I discussed this with her?  These are things a parent would typically talk to their child about, but that because my daughter cannot easily communicate her thoughts I, without meaning to, do not immediately think to talk about with her.  This is the impact my limiting ideas about language and not being able to communicate through spoken language have on my daughter.  It doesn’t always occur to me to discuss with her a great many things until I am reminded.   Out of respect for my daughter I am keeping this post purposefully vague.

I am moving along here, learning as I go and continue to make a great many mistakes.  I have never deluded myself into believing the – making mistakes – part will end, the most I can hope for is that I won’t continue to make the same mistakes, but even so, I do.  I seem to need to repeat the same lesson many times before I am able to make lasting change.  It is a mistake to believe non Autistic neurology does not have trouble with transitions, generalizing information, learning something taught and immediately changing behavior to demonstrate this knowledge.  I will often know something, yet it will take many attempts before I am able to put that knowledge into practice.  You could say that my actions lag way behind what I know or believe.

In the 12 step rooms there is a saying – “self-knowledge avails us nothing.”  What is meant by this is that we can intellectually know something and yet that knowledge does not produce a change in the way we behave.  The only way to change is by doing something differently.  How easy that sounds and yet, look around, people have struggled with this since the beginning of mankind.  Addiction is the obvious example, but there are other, far more subtle things that are great examples of how we want to do something – eat better, exercise, be polite, more friendly, etc –  we know it would be better if we did whatever it was, only to find ourselves unable to do it.  Behavior modification, were it as helpful as many seem to believe, should have helped anyone who has ever attempted to “just stop” and yet it has shown itself as useless.  Unless behavior modification is used in its most extreme form, which I would argue is not dissimilar to torture, in which case it will and does produce short-term change, though at a terrible cost to the person being “treated”, it does not help those of us who are trying hard to change our less than ideal ways of coping with discomfort, fear, pain, and suffering.

Change is hard.  Changing the way we act is even harder than changing a belief.  Yet, we expect and ask children to change all the time.  We tell them something and then when they do exactly what we’ve asked them not to do, we wonder why.  Except that they are behaving the way most of us behave.  Adults are no exception to this.  Now add a neurology that makes communicating more complicated and all kinds of misunderstandings develop.  Conclusions are drawn, ideas and theories are created to explain, and yet…

Recently Emma was asked about something that happened at school.  She wrote, “if every time you tried to speak, the wrong things came out of your mouth, how would you feel?”  We live in a society where people knowingly say and do hurtful things all the time, yet those people are not put in institutions, given random medications against their will, labeled as “low functioning, ostracized, given electric shocks, condemned and treated as though they were criminals.  I’m thinking of a number of radio and talk show hosts whose ratings soar the more outrageous and venomous they are.  These people are rewarded for such behavior!  I’ve never met a parent who said, “I want my child to grow up to be rude, disrespectful and a bigot.”  And yet…

Today I will suggest a few topics and ask both my children what they’d like to discuss.

Em & N. ~ 2010

Em & N. ~ 2010

Questions & Learning

“Did you see the Grammy’s?”  Emma asked Soma yesterday.

And as I sat nearby watching, I marveled at how surprised I was by this question.    In part because she was asking a question, something Emma does a great deal of when she is working with Soma, but not so much with me yet.  I can’t tell you how much I look forward to that…

My surprise was not just limited to the fact that she was asking a question though, it was also because I often wonder how she knows all the things she knows.  “The Grammy’s?” I found myself thinking.  “How does she even know about the Grammy’s?  Where did she see anything about the Grammy’s?”  “Richard and I didn’t watch the Grammy’s.  I can’t even tell you when the Grammy’s were.

After Soma told Emma that she had watched the Grammy’s, Soma asked Emma where she’d seen them.

Emma wrote, “At the airport TV.”

The airport TV?  Seriously?  I didn’t even see a television, let alone notice what was on.  When we arrived at the airport we checked our bag, went through security and went looking for our gate, and when we finally found it, I don’t remember seeing a television anywhere near the seats we finally found to wait for our flight.   What else has she seen in passing?  What else would she like to know about?  What things would she be interested in learning about?  

I write all of this, because Richard and I often ask each other, “But where did she learn that?”  or “How does she know about that?”  And, well…  this is, but one answer.  There is information everywhere and my daughter is picking up information all the time.

I used to assume there was an input issue with learning, but my daughter continues to defy this idea.  An output issue?  Yes.  Input?  Evidently that’s my issue, not hers.

*Emma has given me permission to publish this on the blog.

Emma ~ January 29th, 2014

Emma ~ January 29th, 2014