The Impact of Believing in Incapability

Ariane:  What should we start our day with?  German, a blog post, general writing, fiction, poetry or something else?

Emma:  Just start with blog post.

A:  What would you like to post about this morning?

Emma:  How about the topic:  Knowing many things, but having no one believe you are able to understand.

Ariane:  This is a great topic!  Do you want me to say anything or keep quiet so you can continue?

Emma:  I will continue.

For many years this was the title of my life.  It was long hours bloated with mindless screams of nonsensical searing memory words that no one understood the significance of.  The feeling of pleased joy when another believes, and then astounds the non believers by interacting with their knowing, is like beams of brilliant light shouting through the dreary darkness.  Diving heavy waters it cannot be described, but the word coming closest is love, and to all who cannot believe in what they do not understand, try to be silent for years without words meaning what you have been taught.  This might help the misunderstood.

Ariane:  Wow, Emma, that’s really beautiful.  What else?

Emma:  You can add commentary now.

Ariane here adding commentary, which is a little like being asked to perform after The Rolling Stones just rocked the house…

I am always struck by Emma’s words.  It is the force with which she writes and the compelling word choices she makes that convey a depth of emotion, an intensity and complexity of feelings, as well as insights that make me stop and reread her words over and over.  This paragraph took about forty-five minutes for her to write, not because she edited or had to go back and rewrite, but because that is how long it took for her finger to locate the correct key one letter at a time.

“Nonsensical searing memory words…”  I so want to know more about this.  Does she mean the often repeated sentences that are about the past, the words I once assumed were simply memories thrusting themselves front and center?  A kind of Möbius strip of thought, like an infinity symbol wrapping around and around itself?  I have learned to reside in the unknowing, the discomfort of being unsure, the scratchy realization that I cannot ever truly know, though I can make guesses and then ask if these are correct.  I no longer assume words spoken are meaningless or simply memories or are scripts that are being blurted out compulsively and without thought.  I’ve written about these bridges before ‘here‘.  Those words and sentences that are full of meaning, but whose meaning is not immediately apparent to me upon first hearing.

“… that no one understood the significance of.”  I will ask her about this later.  She used the past tense and that makes me hopeful that we are not continuing this kind of awful misunderstanding.  “…beams of brilliant light shouting through the dreary darkness.”  Who among us does not want that feeling for those we love?  Is this not what love is?  Connection with another?

“… to all who cannot believe in what they do not understand, try to be silent for years without words meaning what you have been taught.  This might help the misunderstood.”

Those who think being silent for an hour or two will give them any real insight into what it is like to not have words readily available, either by writing or speaking, cannot possibly understand.  We must shift our thinking beyond the hour or two, beyond the day, beyond a month, but instead try years.  Years of opening your mouth to speak, but having words tumble forth that are not what you intended, or saying something you intend only to have it misunderstood, or repeating a memory because it conveys so much that is relevant to the NOW only to be asked to discuss more about that particular memory and not what it signifies, it’s deeper meaning.  To say words, to write words only to be told you do not understand metaphor.  To reach out in vain to connect with a world that continually turns its back or mouths that smile with faces flooded with fear, or superiority or judgement or intolerance or disgust.

End of commentary.

Ariane:  What sort of image should we put with this post?

Emma:  How about a photo of the two of us.  Daddy can take it.

Ariane: I was thinking we could title this post: “Knowing Many Things” and the Impact of Disbelief From Others.  What do you think?

Emma:  No.

Ariane:  Okay.  What would you like the title to be?

Emma:  The Impact of Believing in Incapability

February 3, 2015

February 3, 2015

27 responses to “The Impact of Believing in Incapability

  1. Wow. Emma’s words just blew me away. A good way.

  2. My mother, now in her older age is beginning to be like I was–still no connection in her mind though that this may have been what I was experiencing…takes a special someone to be able to take in another without making those judgments, and let them be who they are no matter if words are flowing out of them or not.
    I remember in the 6th grade all the girls were beginning to form cliques and have literal gang warfare in the classroom…the principal began a series of experiments to decipher where the problem could be dissected. One of the experiments asked us all to sit quietly (but with our eyes open), and facing away from the clock to raise our hands when we thought one minute was over. At 40 second hands started going up, with the pop crowd, they all went up at about 45 seconds, my one real friend’s hand went up at about 65 seconds…but mine didn’t go up until 70 seconds–because that’s how long time was to me. When I had no words, time was longer. Maybe it is filled up not only by words, but by the social context in which they will be used, by the brain’s constant chatter…now that I am lacking words again (a winter solstice thing?) time is longer…while others wait for my words there is a pregnant pause…while they make their judgments about what I should be doing, how I should live and even that I am choosing to go to the wrong dentist because it is not their dentist…and that I am not cooperating with the me they want me to be…the clock arms are unmoving. Reading this blog, I do not feel so alone in a world that sometimes just hates my existence.

  3. Reblogged this on includedbygrace and commented:
    I love Emma.. Her ability to communicate from her non verbal world should make us all have much higher expectations of those who have not yet found a way to communicate – or maybe we should be better at learning their way of communicating. Do follow Emma’s blog, it is AM-AZ-ING

  4. Emma, Emma, Emma… RIGHT ON!! Thank you a thousand times over for sharing!!

  5. “The feeling of pleased joy when another believes, and then astounds the non believers by interacting with their knowing, is like beams of brilliant light shouting through the dreary darkness. Diving heavy waters it cannot be described, but the word coming closest is love…”

    this is the reason i go to work every day. this is all i hope for one sweet little angel.

  6. ❤ Yes! Beautiful!
    I love the way you (Emma and Ariane) are figuring out the dancing together of your words and ideas and experiences on the page!!

  7. Thank you, Emma, for all your thoughts that you share. The view of your mind gives me hope that I will someday have a view of my son’s mind. He is so dear to me, so loved, and I long to know what he is thinking.

    • Sarah, I showed Emma your comment and she smiled, but is too tired to write more this evening. Her days are so full, by early evening she is done.

      But I hope it’s okay if I comment – I remember well the feeling you describe here, before Emma was typing with me, before she was able to tell us her thoughts, but we knew there was so much for us to learn. I remember. I remember it as though it were yesterday and not over a year ago now.

  8. The past few months have taken a lot of energy for me to handle. This sums it up quite nicely. On my bad days, I’m only what I call “referentially verbal”, meaning that I have a meaning that others may not immediately interpret. People aren’t understanding what I need, so I end up doing my own stuff (commonly involving the Fermi Paradox, which I finished correcting today). This just begins a road of misunderstandings. I can only begin to imagine how much more trouble those who can’t correct their references must have.

  9. So beautiful!! I think I will translate this one into Portuguese!

  10. Fantastic! More beautiful, intensely visual words from Emma. I love how she writes! ❤

  11. Reblogged this on Spectrum Perspectives and commented:
    A must read!

  12. Love is All You Need

    SO MUCH LOVE FOR THIS and her ❤

  13. Pingback: EMMA’S HOPE BOOK | O autismo em tradução

  14. Wonderful thoughts Emma! The forty five minutes it took helps me and Katrina a lot. We are trying RPM on our own.

  15. Pingback: Autism Unveiled: Emma: an #Autistic girl whose body and mouth-words do not always pay attention to her bright and wise mind | The Art of Autism

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