The first part is ‘here‘.
This woman, who was once a girl, learned a great many things once she stopped trying not to feel. This was a huge surprise to her as she believed she already knew a great deal. She learned that people terrified her for they were capable of doing tremendous harm and she came to realize she had spent many years avoiding all people as a result. Most of her pain in her adult life came from the expectations she held and not from the actual people or things they did or didn’t do. She learned that no one person could ever be all she wanted and hoped for, but that a group of people could. She learned that a community with a shared goal was more important than individual grievances and that her ego often pushed her from the path she’d chosen.
She met a wonderfully, flawed human and together they had two beautiful children. With each child her world expanded and grew. She often reflected on all she’d learned during those terrible years of her earlier life and tried her best to apply what she was learning to her new life as a parent. But her youngest child, a strong, independent, baby girl who held an uncanny resemblance to her mother had a dreadful time tolerating certain feelings, sensations and the world. She could not communicate through words and her mother watched her in helpless despair as she saw herself, her early self, her former self reflected in her child’s upset and frustration. The mother would do anything to take that pain away so her daughter would not have to go through what her mother once had. The mother would walk to the ends of this earth if it meant she could alleviate even some of her daughter’s massive physical and emotional discomfort.
And so, without even realizing it, the mother veered off the path laid out for her by so many others. She did not begin using substances again, but slowly over time, she found herself moving away from one of the key tenets of her new life – she began to believe she had power over another human being’s neurology and that she knew what was best for another. Instead of helping her child, she began to fight against her child. She did not think of it in this way at the time. She thought she was fighting FOR her child and for many years this is what she told herself and others who asked. She was fighting for her child and it was a noble fight, she would go to her grave fighting, and, by the way, in fighting she avoided a great many feelings. She did not know this at the time, but in fact this is what happened. And while she was busy fighting and desperately trying to keep all those messy feelings at bay, her child was hurting and feeling increasingly separate from her mother, (we cannot know this for a fact, but in retrospect the mother sensed this to be true).
More to follow…