Tag Archives: Parenting

Teaching a Name

Posted on February 9, 2012 by | 3 comments

When Emma was a year old, in a moment of impatience we bought her a baby doll for Christmas.  Despite the fact she showed no interest in dolls of any kind, despite the fact she showed little interest in any of the toys we tried to entice her with.  Emma was much more of a doer than a child who sat happily playing with a toy.  This was a kid who liked to move.  Take her to the playground and she made the other kids look lethargic.  I admit, I took a certain degree of pride in her rejection of all toys and her desire to move and run and slide instead.  Emma’s disinterest reminded me of my father who shunned all holidays, grousing that they no longer celebrated what they were intended to, but instead fed the insatiable Hallmark Greeting Card’s appetite for cheap sentimentality and  had become a financial boon for ad agencies.  His grumpiness about it all, increased with his age.   Emma’s resolute rejection of all toys, her disinterest in videos, movies, and anything else that required her to sit still, would have made my father proud.

The baby doll we purchased was pudgy, with blonde pigtails, and came with a little toilet, hairbrush, mirror, bathrobe and towel.  All that was missing was a mani/pedi kit and perhaps some massage oil.  I bought a couple of little playsuits for the doll and wrapped everything up in pretty paper with a big satin ribbon.  We had to help Emma as she showed no enthusiasm in her gifts piled under the Christmas tree.  She begrudgingly humored us by tearing open the present, but showed no excitement, it was as though it were a chore,  something that was expected of her.  When she saw the baby doll, securely fastened in it’s box with a clear window so that she could see it, but not actually reach it, she lost all interest and wandered off.  “Emma, look!  It’s your very own baby doll!”  I exclaimed.  “What are you going to call her?”  Being ignored during those early years was something we had grown used to.  Still, I persisted, carrying the baby doll over to her, I said, “What’s her name?”  Emma refused to look at me or the baby doll.

Years later, during out DIR (Developmental, Individual Difference, Relationship-based Model, also known as floortime) phase, the baby doll, now joined by a number of other baby dolls, groovy girls, Jessy and Woody from the Toy Story, Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride, each one evidence of our ignorance and dogged determination to engage her in the world of make believe, lay untouched in a pink plastic bin near her bed.  In a moment of inspiration I yanked the baby doll from its bin and thrusting it in Emma’s face, asked, “Oh look Em!  What’s her name?”  Emma said nothing, but I persisted.  “What do you call her, Em?”  And then Emma spoke.  “Doll,” she said.  “Yes, but what will you call her?”  I was nothing, if not determined.  “Is her name, Tabitha or Katherine, Anastasia, Cynthia?  What’s her name, Em?”  The idea that naming something was not a concept Emma fully grasped, never occurred to me.  When Emma then repeated the names I was throwing out, I eventually gave up and as I was leaving, Emma said, simply, “Doll.”

And of course, she was right.  It was a doll.  To Emma that was all she was.  A doll.  For a child with little or no ability to understand the world of make believe, the idea of naming a doll, must have seemed bizarre.  Why would one do that?

Last weekend, at Barnes & Noble, I showed Emma a book called Biscuit, a beginning reader book.  Emma took the book from me, sat down on the carpet and pointed to the first word.  “Biscuit, that word says Biscuit.  That’s the dog’s name,” I said.  Emma nodded and continued to read the book, stumbling over a couple of unknown words, but for the most part being able to get through it with little help from me.  As I sat with her I remembered her baby doll and it occurred to me, she does not fully understand the concept of naming.  It is something I will attempt to teach her this weekend.

For more on Emma’s journey through a childhood of autism, go to:  Emma’s Hope Book.com

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A Case of Mistaken Identity

Posted on February 8, 2012 by | 1 comment

The latest issue of the magazine AARP arrived last week.  It’s the hot potato in our house as Richard will place it on the keyboard of my computer or by my things to take to work.  When he’s not looking I will then surreptitiously put it on his desk in our office, both of us denying that we’ve had anything to do with it.  “Did you put this on my computer?” I’ll ask, waving the magazine in front of him as I head out to work.  “Nope.  Didn’t see it,” he’ll reply.  “You know, it’s your magazine.  It’s addressed to you,”  I’ll inform him, as though he hadn’t noticed or that this will change the fact that we are both over 50 and therefore deserving of its presence in our home.  Truthfully, I am careening toward 52 at a frightening pace.  How did I get here – I find myself wondering.

Last Friday, there it was on my desk, a reminder of the passing of time.  Sharon Stone graced the cover, beaming, in all her youthful beauty.  The only indicator of her advancing age were the reading glasses dangling from her right hand.  I admit, I took some solace in seeing that she too requires reading glasses.  Emma bounded into the office and plopped down on my lap.  She looked at the photo of the dazzlingly gorgeous Sharon Stone and said the most beautiful words perhaps she has ever uttered, “It’s Mommy!”  she exclaimed, before demanding to watch a YouTube video.  (It must be said, I did NOT correct her, I should have, I know.)  She could have asked for anything at that point.  The world was hers for the taking.

In a moment of pure vanity, a moment I admit to being ashamed of,  I showed her the magazine last night, just to see if she hadn’t somehow changed her mind.  Sure enough, she glanced at it and said, “There’s Mommy!”

Love that kid.

For more on Emma’s journey through a childhood of autism, go to:  Emma’s Hope Book

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Supplements and Doctors

Posted on February 1, 2012 by | Leave a comment

We are currently giving Emma eight different supplements recommended by the naturopathic physician I have been taking her to.  I am not a big pill taker, in fact I must be in extreme pain before I’ll think to take an aspirin and even then, Richard usually has to remind me.  “Honey, why don’t you take some advil?” he’ll say.  “Oh!  Good idea.  I hadn’t thought of that.”  Then Richard will smile at me with a look usually reserved for a very young child.

My deep distrust in the medical community stems from my father’s horseback riding accident when he broke his back and lay hospitalized in a coma when I was just nine years old.  The doctors were skeptical regarding his recovery, some even wondered whether he would come out of his coma at all, while others suggested he would remain paralyzed for the remainder of his life.  When he came to and months later after grueling daily sessions of physical therapy began to walk and even start horseback riding again, I concluded it was all an inexact and questionable science.  Actually my issues with medicine are more likely genetic and coded in during utero, but in any case, I don’t trust doctors.   I view hospitals with the same degree of horror others view a sinkhole, it would probably not be an exaggeration to say I have a phobia toward them.

The fact that I am the driving force in giving Emma eight different supplements, while Richard (who pops aspirin like they’re chiclets) rolls his eyes and wanders off into another part of the house, is nothing short of ironic.

“I have a theory about all of this.”  I made this announcement yesterday morning as I prepared to leave for my studio.  I can’t be sure, but I think Richard muttered something derisive under his breath.  I ignored him.  “I think these supplements have healed the cracks on her heels.  They’re almost all gone.”

“You don’t think all the lotion I rub into her feet every morning and night and making her wear socks has anything to do with that?”  Richard asked, with what sounded to me like an unnecessarily aggressive tone.

“Well let’s stop doing that and see if her feet get worse,” I reasoned.

“No.  We are not going to stop the thing that is probably helping her feet heal.”  Richard countered.

“I’m just saying, if you want to know for sure, we would need to stop and see if the cracks come back,” I said.

“Look, if you want to stop, then go ahead after they’ve completely healed, but we’re not going to stop before that.”

And here’s the thing – Richard’s probably right.  Every evening and morning before Emma gets dressed, Richard carefully rubs ointments and lotions into the cracks on her feet, then he painstakingly finds socks (in colors that match her shoes) and gives them to her to put on before she slips on her Uggs.  Because that’s the kind of amazing guy he is – thoughtful, kind, caring and a devoted dad.  He has been doing this for over a month now and sure enough the cracks on her feet have almost completely healed.

When I took Emma to the naturopath last week he looked at her feet and noticed how nicely the cracks were healing.  I described how Richard was caring for them with lotions and insisting Emma wear socks.  He nodded his head and said, “Well at least they’re healing.”  But I could tell he thought it was from the supplements I’ve been giving her.  I asked him if he thought the cracks could be healing from wearing socks and all the lotion we’ve been putting on.  He shook his head and said, “Socks and lotion aren’t doing that.”

Maybe, but maybe not.  In any case, I’m really glad I have a husband who’s on top of the whole lotion part and we’ll keep giving her supplements in the hope they are doing something positive too.

For more on Emma’s journey through a childhood of autism, go to:   Emma’s Hope Book

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An Afternoon With Emma

Posted on January 31, 2012 by | 6 comments

Joe, Emma’s therapist and all around amazing guy, is sick.  He has a cold and in seven years has never called in sick. Never. Not once.  Seven years.  So I urged Joe to take a sick day, and finally, after much arm twisting, I convinced him.  I admit my methods of persuasion were more threatening than persuasive, but sometimes one must resort to such tactics.  In retrospect, the thing that finally seemed to convince him was when I said something about how I would have to seriously hurt him if one of us caught the nasty bug lurking within his body, or words to that affect.

The end result was – I picked Emma up from school. Never one to pass up an opportunity for a dramatic entrance, Emma came running toward me shouting, “It’s Mommy!”  She was so excited she actually bounced up and down.  Once outside she turned serious, “We have to go to the doctor.”  She nodded her head and looked resigned.

“Not today, Em!  We are not going to go to the doctor today.  Joe doesn’t feel great, so you and I are going to go get some groceries, do our study room and then you’re going to help me make dinner!”

“Grocery shopping, study room, cereal and toast!”  Emma said.

“No.  Catfish, cole slaw and roasted sweet potatoes,” I corrected her.  “And you’re going to help me.”

“We’re going to spend the afternoon together, just you and me,” Em said, pointing to me with an enormous grin.

“Yes, we are.”

Emma then reached over and in a rare display of unprompted affection, held my hand!  Wow.  Typically, holding hands with Emma is like holding on to the tail of a greased pig, in other words, it’s not easy,  a certain degree of tenacity and determination are required.  But yesterday, she reached over and held my hand, her cold little hand in my gloved one and suddenly the clear, blue sky looked a whole lot bluer.  Filled with a sense of awe at the beauty of life, we entered Whole Foods, whereupon I turned to her and said, “I’m going to need your help getting our groceries.”

“I’m going to help you,” Emma said, tossing her backpack and then herself into the back of the grocery cart.

Later, Emma helped me dredge the catfish in cornmeal and flour, while Nic peeled the sweet potatoes and prepared them for roasting.  “Help Mommy,” Emma said at one point.

“Yes, you are.”

For more on Emma’s journey through a childhood of autism, go to:   Emma’s Hope Book

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Breaking Routines

Posted on January 30, 2012 by | Leave a comment

I have written about Emma’s need for routines.  Like many children with autism, the desire to do the same thing, whether it’s watch Mary Poppins for the two thousandth time (not an exaggeration) or go to the Central Park Zoo, followed by a visit to FAO Schwartz and ending with a visit to the American Museum of Natural History, has an obsessive compulsive urgency to it.  Emma has gotten much, much better about being more flexible, but this Sunday morning Emma became fixated on going to the zoo.  Despite the fact she went to the Bronx Zoo with a caregiver the weekend before and the Central Park Zoo the weekend before that, despite the fact going to the zoo is less about leisurely strolling through the various artificial habitats and looking at the animals who reside there and very much about a specific route that must be held to.

During those increasingly rare times I have indulged Emma’s request to go to a place, like the zoo, I end up running after her while she zips from one thing to the next.  At the Central Park Zoo, given her preference, she will begin with a visit to the bat cave, racing past the exotic birds, stand for less than three minutes peering into the dark cave while saying, “Look at the bats!  Be careful, the bats will bite you!” before tearing off, regardless of what I might think to say to engage her in an attempt to slow the routine down, past the Colobus Monkeys and outside again to stare at some other type of monkey who reside on a few strategically placed rocks in the middle of a man-made lake.  Then it’s off to see the old, decrepit and now blind seal, into the penguin and puffin house, then back outside to watch the sea lions being fed.  If we’ve missed a feeding, we must wait until the next feeding.  Emma will patiently sit until the next show and then watch until the last unfortunate fish has been tossed into the gaping mouth of a lucky sea lion, before we are allowed to leave.

But Sunday is the day we try to do something together as a family.  Sunday is the day we attempt to take everyone’s desires into consideration.  Sundays can be difficult.  Nic, more often than not, wants to go see a movie or get together with a family we know who has children Nic’s age, Richard, being the amazing man that he is, is often game to go with the flow and I will do just about anything that doesn’t involve going to one of Emma’s favored haunts.  (Lest anyone think I’m a dreadful mother, may I just defend myself here and say I have been to the American Museum of Natural History several thousand times and would be grateful if I never went there again, literally, for the rest of my life, likewise to the zoo, any zoo for that matter and, while we’re at it, any carousel, anywhere in the entire world.)  It may sound harsh, but there it is.

So when Emma launched in about going to the zoo this past Sunday morning, I said simply, “Not today, Em.”

“Go with Mommy!”  Emma cried pointing at me.  “Just you and me, go to the zoo.”

It was heartbreaking to hear her carefully using the correct pronouns, requesting me, specifically.  Never-the-less I stood firm.  Then Emma brought out the big guns.  “Mommy talk to Daddy,” she cried.  “Mommy talk to Daddy about the zoo.”   It was a stroke of manipulative genius, pitting one parent against the other, knowing that where Mommy wasn’t caving, Daddy just might.  I actually had to leave the room, I felt such a welling up of pride.  She’s becoming quite the negotiator I thought, as I prepared for our “study room” session.

By the time Emma was halfway into our literacy session, the obsession with the zoo had ebbed and when we ended our session with sitting still for five minutes, the obsessive grip no longer held her.   We ended up having a lovely Sunday with Nic and Emma going to their gymnastics class, on the way to Union Square we happened upon an Occupy Wall Street protest, giving me ample subject matter to photograph, before meeting some friends in Union Square.  Emma and I made a brief visit to Barnes and Noble and then home, where we did some more literacy work before Nic and I made custom made hamburgers, cole slaw and french fries for dinner – inspired by the Food network’s favorite burgers show, which aired over the weekend – only ours were better.

Occupy Wall Street Protest

Em waiting for me

The Family – Who’s that devilishly handsome man (Gasp!) with those two adorable children?

For more on Emma’s journey through a childhood of autism, go to:   Emma’s Hope Book

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Questions

Posted on January 27, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Last night, just to mix things up, Emma watched Lilo and Stitch.  When Lilo says – Aliens are attacking my house – Emma howled with laughter and then repeated that line several times as she was getting ready for bed.   So here are a few questions I have for Emma that I wish she could answer – Why is that line so funny to you?  What does the word, “alien” mean to you?  If you had the words, what would you say the movie was about?

I realize I sound like an annoying english teacher, but I actually really would like to know what she would say, if she could.  And while we’re at it, here are a couple more questions I’d ask if I could:

What do you hear?  Do you hear what I hear or is it different for you?  Is the pitch different, the volume, do other sounds compete with each other?  Is it hard to tune some noise out and concentrate on the person who’s speaking to you?  Is all noise equal?  What do you see?  Is it just like sound?  Do you see patterns?  When you look at your box with hundreds of photographs, do you see the images or do you see a pattern or do you see something else and if you see a pattern, does that pattern soothe you?  What is it about the string you like to hold and twirl, why do you like it?  What does it feel like?  What do you think about?  Do you have questions, but don’t ask them because you don’t have the words?  Do you understand the larger concepts of a story?  A movie?

Finally, the ultimate question, the question I will never know the answer to, even if Emma is one day able to answer all the questions I’ve just listed:

What’s it like to be you?

For more on Emma’s journey through a childhood of autism, go to:   Emma’s Hope Book

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Pooh Bear and Emma

Posted on January 26, 2012 by | 3 comments

Often before bed Emma asks if she can watch one of two movies – Mary Poppins or Winnie the Pooh.  She has been watching these same two movies for the past five years and in the case of Winnie the Pooh, going on eight years.   Typically we tell her she can watch whichever movie she’s chosen for twenty minutes or so before bedtime when I read to her.  Last night she chose Winnie the Pooh.  I sat next to her, but wasn’t really paying attention as I was reading an email, when I realized she was talking and looking over at me.  This was unusual.  Emma will often repeat much of the dialogue, particularly her favorite parts of the movie which, having watched literally thousands of times, she has memorized.  But last night she wasn’t just repeating the dialogue.  Last night she was talking – about the movie – to me!

It took me a couple of seconds to understand what she was saying, but it went something like this.

Emma laughing.  “He’s stuck!”  More laughter.  “He can’t get out.  Ooof!  Pooh bear is stuck.  Yeah.  He cannot get out.”  Emma points to the screen while looking at me.

I look at the television, inwardly feeling nothing short of elation that she is initiating contact, that she wants to share her amusement at Pooh’s predicament with me!  “Oh no!  You’re right.  He’s stuck.  He ate too much honey.”

Emma nods her head.  “Don’t… feed… the …bear!” she shouts at the same time that Rabbit says this while pounding a sign with these words into the ground with his fist.  “Rabbit’s angry!”

“Yes, he is!  He doesn’t want Pooh stuck in his house.”

“Pooh can’t get out,” she says, laughing.

“Pooh was so hungry, he ate and ate and ate all of Rabbit’s honey.”

“Now he can’t get out.”  Emma says, watching the television.

“He ate so much, his belly got so big, now he’s too big to get out.”

Emma shrieks with laughter.  “Oh no! Oh no!  I’m stuck!”

“You aren’t stuck, Em.  Who’s stuck?”

“Pooh’s stuck!”

This continued throughout the entire scene until Pooh gets thin enough that he can be pulled out.  While Christopher Robbin and the rest of the animals pull Pooh bear, Rabbit pushes him from behind and he finally shoots out of the hole like a cannonball and lands inside of a tree, which just happens to be filled with honey.

“Pooh’s eating!  He likes honey!”  Emma says, pointing to the part when Christopher Robin says – Don’t worry Pooh.  We’ll get you out!  (of the tree) and Pooh says, through mouthfuls of honey – Don’t hurry!   Yum!  Yum!

Emma thought this hilarious.  “Oh no!  He’s stuck again!”  Then she collapsed into a fit of giggles with her hand on my arm.

For more on Emma’s journey through a childhood of autism, go to:   Emma’s Hope Book

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Happy Birthday Dear Emma

Posted on January 17, 2012 by | 6 comments

Emma’s birthday is today, but her birthday party was this past Sunday at an enormous gymnasium here in New York City.  She asked that we invite some 18 children, many of whom could not attend, but eleven children did, including Em and her older brother, Nic.  Seven of those children were on the spectrum.

When the children began arriving, Emma seemed uninterested and barely acknowledged them.  I told myself she was overwhelmed, that just because she asked for all of these things, perhaps once it became reality, she wasn’t sure what to do.  I tried to talk myself into a more accepting frame of mind, but if I’m being honest, I had expectations.  Expectations that, I realize now, were completely over and beyond what could realistically happen.  This isn’t unusual for me and it is something I am trying to become more aware of.

There is a great deal of talk about preparing one’s child for these sorts of events, going over the list of children who will be coming, talking to Emma about what will most likely happen, the various activities they will do, how she will need to wait her turn, how they will do a great many different things, how we will then have food and cupcakes and birthday cake at home later.  But there isn’t a great deal of talk about preparing oneself.  Frankly, this is where I need to do the most work.  I was utterly unprepared for Emma’s unenthusiastic response to all the other children.  I was unprepared for her to not only not pay attention to them, but to stand in front of a mirror toward the end of the party and make faces at herself while singing and dancing.  When anyone else tried to join her she would turn her back on them or move away.  The truth is, I was unprepared for exactly what happened and found myself feeling disappointed.  When I step away from all of this and put my emotions aside, after all this was not my party, it was hers, I think Emma had fun.  I think she was happy.  I think if she could tell us, she would have said her party was exactly what she wanted.

Happy Birthday Dear Emma!

Emma waiting for her turn to jump into the foam pit

In the foam pit

For more on Emma’s journey through a childhood of autism, go to:   Emma’s Hope Book

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Hook Worms & Obsessions

Posted on January 13, 2012 by | 4 comments

It’s easy to poke fun at any treatment which includes the words “hook worms.”  I remember when I first heard about hook worms in treating autism, I immediately thought of leeches and dismissed the whole thing.  By the way this post is not about hook worms, but about how when your child has autism you are constantly confronted with an endless array of “treatments,” almost all of which come with some kind of “scientific” explanation.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, a great many smart people are trying to find help for our kids, but it is often confusing.

For those who want to know more about hook worms or Helminthic Therapy, here are some links:  The Guardian, Autoimmune Therapies, for a counter argument against helminthic therapy (hook worms) and for a number of studies being done through various hospitals in the country go to:  http://www.thebostonchannel.com/health/23652453/detail.html, http://www.neurology.wisc.edu/publications/07_pubs/Neuro_5.pdf, http://www.direct-ms.org/pdf/HygienePrinciples/Helminiths%20immune%20reg and www.pubmed.gov.

I am currently reading a book – Obsession:  A History by Lennard J. Davis.  What’s fascinating is how our perceptions of “illness” continue to change.  What began as “demonic possession,” something the Catholic Church cornered the market on by performing exorcisms, the Protestants, attempting to lessen the Catholic church’s power, redefined demonic possession as “nerves” or madness.  This new way of thinking caught on.  What began as a play for power came to define what became  known as “a case of nerves” or the belief that some people were high strung something mainly afflicting the upper classes.  Presumably the lower classes, the peasants didn’t have time to be high strung or if they were, they didn’t have the means to do anything about it.  In reading about the nature of illness and how it has changed over the centuries, it is striking to note how little we knew then (it seems laughable) yet, there is still so much we still do not know or understand.  The remedies applied in the eighteenth century seem bizarre, but in the context of autism, no more bizarre than so many of the remedies I have tried on my own daughter.  I expect that in fifty or a hundred years from now we will look back on much of what we think we know or do not know regarding autism and think how barbaric it all was.

For more on Emma’s journey through a childhood of autism, go to:   Emma’s Hope Book

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Lucid Dreaming

Posted on January 12, 2012 by | 7 comments

Richard spent (he claims it was just half an hour, but I swear it was a lot longer than that) last night talking to me about lucid dreaming.  When he had finished reading choice chapters from one of the many books he is currently reading on the subject, he moved to the copious notes he’s taken.  When it was all over, after I had learned that certain molecules along with serotonin are released producing a “dream state,” after he had finished hypothesizing how Emma’s “autism” seems somewhat similar to the dream state he’s been reading about, one in which our senses are jumbled and different than in our “waking” state, after he had finished telling me about his own theories, questions, thoughts and opinions, he said, “What do you think?”

My brain, a jumbled mess of information, bursting with an overflow of information ranging from the physical to the metaphysical to quantum physics to quantum mechanics was in no state to produce meaningful additions to the topic at hand.  Science was never a subject that captivated me, unlike my mother and two of my brothers – one’s a physicist, the other a bio-chemist.  Clearly the science genes were used up on them and by the time I came along there just weren’t any left.  Never-the-less, I did my best to formulate some kind of not-too-ridiculous-comments, which I only prayed related to all that he’d been talking about.  As I did this, I looked over at him and felt overwhelmed.  Not by the subject matter, though I admit, I did feel a bit overwhelmed by that too, but I am referring to the feeling I felt.  It was the same way I felt when I first met Richard.  It was as though I was falling in love all over again.  Not that I had fallen out of love, more like just falling deeper or maybe it’s more accurate to say I felt myself aware that I continue to fall, that I’ve never really hit the bottom, there’s not been a stopping, that it’s a continuous falling in love that doesn’t end.  There was something about the look on his face, a certain intensity, his brain whirling around with all of this information, his trying to make sense of our Emma, the studying, the research, his ability to see things differently, his way of being in this world, yet always searching for other ways to view it…

I love that man.

No one could have told me that when we had our two children, I would end up loving my husband more than I already did.  No one could have described to me the feeling of gratitude I would feel on a daily basis toward this man who has been as actively involved in child-rearing as I have.  No one could have told me any of that.

And if they had, I wouldn’t have believed them.

For more on Emma’s journey through a childhood of autism, go to:   Emma’s Hope Book

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Emma and the Air Guitar

Posted on January 11, 2012 by | 2 comments

Emma has learned to play the air guitar.

There.  I’ve said it.

Words I never anticipated saying, let alone writing.

Last night I arrived home to see Emma, wearing a nightgown she had long ago outgrown, dinghy and grayed from years of washing in organic, environmentally safe detergent, strutting around the living room to music blaring at decibels rarely heard outside of professional performance spaces.  Her right arm ramming down on imaginary strings, her left holding an imaginary microphone as she sang the lyrics or what she thought were the lyrics to Michael Jackson’s song Beat It.  When she doesn’t feel confident of the words she lip synchs, dances and well, plays the air guitar.  The other night, Nic commented, “Look Mom.  Emma’s like one of those backup dancers.  She’s really good.”

I have since printed out the lyrics to the song as I could not figure out how Emma’s words “… show em your pocket…” could possibly be part of a song about coming of age and manhood, unless said pocket contained a knife.  But never mind.  Each time Emma came to that part of the song, she’d thrust her hand into the pocket of her bathrobe for emphasis.

The actual lyrics are – “Showin how Funky Strong is your fight It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right Just beat it, beat it, beat it..”  I’m not sure I have the heart to correct her, she so loves theatrically shoving her hand into her pocket.  It will come as a blow, I know.  However, for the sake of using moments presented to us as teachable ones, I will show her the actual lyrics.  It is perfectly plausible Emma may not care what Michael Jackson’s lyrics are, artistic license (hers) being what it is and all that.

We have come a long way since her Carole King’s Chicken Soup phase.

For more on Emma’s journey through a childhood of autism, go to:  Emma’s Hope Book

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A Marathon

Posted on January 5, 2012 by | Leave a comment

“It’s a marathon, not a sprint.”  This is a quote from Richard who said that to me one day many years ago.  At the time, we were leaving the office of one of the many doctors we had taken Emma to.  Those were the days when I still fully expected someone to produce the “secret thing” that would cure her.  Like some sort of closed, clandestine group, that if I just knew the secret password, Emma would be allowed to walk past the door labeled “autistic” and enter the one labeled “Neuro-typical” for better or worse.

I had a brief moment during my adolescence when I ran the mile, while my friends were running the 50 or 100 yard dash or sitting on the sidelines, munching on potato chips, I was doggedly doing laps around the quarter mile track at our local school.  I would set a pace for myself, not so fast that I was immediately out of breath, but not too slow that I was able to carry on a conversation.  And I’d stick to it.  Determinedly, often with my head down, listening to my breath, in, out, in, out.  Some days every step was a slog, as though I were wearing cement filled sneakers, my breath labored, every muscle ached, I would think about stopping before I’d hit the mile mark, but other days were bliss.  As a teenager I ran longer distances. I kept running for years just to experience those days when it all felt easy and right.

Just breathe.

For more on Emma’s journey through a childhood of autism, go to:   Emma’s Hope Book

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The New Year

Posted on December 30, 2011 by | Leave a comment

I asked Nic this morning if he was looking forward to anything in particular in the new year.

“To sleep in,” he said with a grin.

“Really?”

He laughed, wryly (I might add) and nodded his head.

What I didn’t say, but thought, was – We’ve been on vacation since the 16th!  You could sleep in every morning if you wanted.  But Nic likes sleeping near his Granma and so has set up a little bed in her office for himself on her foldout couch with the promise that he make up his bed every morning, which he has.

“Hey Em.  What about you?  Are you looking forward to anything in the new year?”

Emma ignored me.

“Do you know what it means to look forward to something?” I tried again.  “It’s when we feel excited about something that hasn’t happened yet.”  I waited as Emma who had turned her back to me, continued to twirl her string that she has now “repaired” every morning since we’ve been out here.  The “string” resembles a snow board in the middle with long, thin tentacles coming out of the repaired part.  She holds onto the fat, taped part and twirls it in her hand very quickly.  “Hey Em,” I tried again.  “Are you looking forward to anything?”

“Yeah,” she said, staring out the window.

“What?  What are you looking forward to?”

“Uncle Victor and Aunt Susan took a train home,” Emma said, nodding her head, twirling her string and looking sad.

“Does that make you sad?”

Emma looked at me with such a sad expression and nodded her head.  “Yeah.”

I continued to ask her in various ways if there was anything she was looking forward to or wanted to have happen in the coming year, but Emma walked away or ignored me, until I finally stopped asking.

People have likened Emma to a two-year-old, but this is incorrect.  For one thing it vastly underestimates her and for another, it oversimplifies every aspect of her.  Emma’s mind is capable of some fascinating leaps, she will come out with incredibly creative ways to communicate – such as when her teacher, Lauren every Friday dresses up as “Laurenzo” and so Emma began calling herself Emmaenzo, which she (and everyone else) thought hilarious.  It is easier to think of a child like Emma as a “two-year-old” and leave it at that, but it does her a great disservice.  I continue to insist her mind is far more complex, holds all kinds of interesting thoughts and I insist on this thinking because I have seen too many nonverbal children with autism display staggering intelligence, but who are treated by many as though they are “two-year-olds” or worse.  I have read the poems and stories they have written.  These children and adults are profoundly intelligent, but their thinking and their difficulties in communicating are so vast most of us do not have the patience or interest in hearing from them.

What I wish for, what I look forward to in the new year is for all of us to increase our awareness of our possibilities.  We are capable of so much, whether it is an act of kindness toward another or withholding our judgements when we are annoyed, looking to our potential or assuming the best in one another instead of the worst.   If I could wish one thing for both my children, it would be that they realize their potential, and now come to think of it, I wish that for myself too.

Happy New Year!

For more on Emma’s journey through a childhood of autism, go to:   Emma’s Hope Book

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Emma Makes Breakfast

Posted on December 20, 2011 by | 3 comments

Yesterday morning Emma was up and in the kitchen by 6:30AM.  This was late for Em.  For the past two mornings she was up at 5:00AM and 4:00AM.  I was grateful for the extra few hours.

When I went downstairs I saw Emma.

She seemed to have everything under control, so I just followed her around taking photos as she worked.

There were a few minor spills, but nothing she wasn’t able to clean up on her own.

She was well organized.  All the ingredients she needed were laid out.

She even sang a little song as she worked.

“Mix, mix, mix the pancakes, mix, mix, mix the pancakes, mix, mix, mix, mix, mix!”

She tasted it, to be sure it was good.

I helped pour the batter onto the grill.

But she took it from there.

Pancakes!

It’s good to be home.

For more on Emma’ journey through a childhood of autism, go to:   Emma’s Hope Book

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Flying to Colorado

Posted on December 19, 2011 by | 2 comments

We flew to Colorado for the holidays last Friday.  When I booked our reservations I tried to get all of our seats close together, but despite my most dogged attempts, getting five seats together just wasn’t possible.  Still I was fairly optimistic as I had managed to have Richard and Nic together in the row in front of Joe and Emma with me just needing to trade my window seat for an aisle seat in the same row but on the other side of the plane.  When the gentleman who had the aisle seat next to Joe and Emma, the seat I was hoping to trade him for, arrived, I explained that we were trying to sit together and would he mind terribly if I traded my lovely window seat just two seats over for his aisle seat.  No, he told me.  He was not willing to do that.  He then told me that he had a grandson with autism and felt for my predicament, but couldn’t trade seats as he didn’t like sitting near the window.  Not discouraged I asked the woman in the other aisle seat of that same row if she would mind terribly moving over just two seats to the window seat, thus letting the gentleman occupy her seat, while I occupied his.  (I know this is beginning to resemble a Shakespearean novel with a vast cast of characters.  I should have tried to download a seating map for this post.)  The woman, barely looked up, avoided any eye contact and said flatly, “No.” She then proceeded to read her book about the Palestinian/Israeli conflict.  By this point, all the passengers within three rows of us, were aware of what was going on.  Undeterred, I asked a few more people seated in an aisle seat if any would mind trading with me.  I was rebuffed each and every time.  At this point with my options becoming fewer, I decided to try and solicit the help of a flight attendant, though in the past this has never proven helpful.  Never-the-less off I went in search of a flight attendant while the gentleman took his seat next to Joe and Emma.  As I headed up the aisle another man, sitting several rows behind us, said he would trade his aisle seat for my window seat.  As the trade took place he leaned over to the first man and said, “You know, you could have helped her out.”

I thanked the man profusely and asked if we could buy his lunch.  He declined, said he flies at least once a week and it was no big deal.  I thanked him again and sat down.  Joe and I have been reading some material about speech and literacy, so we began to discuss how we might best apply what we were reading to our work with Emma.

About an hour into the flight, the man whose seat I was now occupying leaned over to me on his way back to his seat and said, “Forgive me.”

“Please,” I said, “don’t worry about it.”

“No.  I should have given you the seat.  It was wrong of me.  That man who volunteered, I’m proud of him.”

“Thank you for coming over,” I said.  And he sat back down.

A couple of things I keep coming back to, are not so much how people are not willing to move their seats, I understand it’s a pain.  Traveling has become hellish, everyone has just been through security lines, removal of shoes, waiting, standing in line and finally they get to their seat, the last thing anyone wants is to be asked to move.  I hadn’t realized the window/aisle conflict was such an issue.  I had thought as long as it wasn’t a middle seat it wouldn’t be hard to trade, but clearly this was incorrect.  But it made me think about the airlines themselves.  Is there not something the airlines could do for families traveling with children with disabilities?  I don’t know the answer to this question.  I don’t know how they could help, but it does seem that the airlines would do well to at least have an awareness that this is a growing problem.  We go through some sort of problem almost every time we travel.  I have gotten better at choosing seats that, while often not together, are at least seats people might be willing to trade.  But every now and again my best laid plans run amok.

The Rockies

For more on Emma’s journey through a childhood of autism, go to:   Emma’s Hope Book

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