Tag Archives: acceptance

The Magic of Connection

Posted on May 10, 2013 | 40 Comments

At a certain point during Richard’s radio show  the other night, where he was featuring Moms, he asked me about those years when we were determined to find a cure for our daughter.  I didn’t want to take up time on the show to talk about all of that because there was so much to cover, but also because it makes me really sad to talk about it and I also know it is hard for many of my Autistic friends to hear, two of whom were guests on the show and many more who I knew were listening!  I try hard not to live in regret, but I’ve done things that I really DO regret.  Things I really do wish I could go back and erase and do again differently.  More than anything, all those therapies and bio medical treatments we did, fall into that folder labeled “Things I wish I could do over.”

My reluctance to talk about all of this the other night on the radio wasn’t because I don’t think it’s important as much as it’s really painful to talk about and I know, for many of my friends, people I love dearly who happen to also be Autistic, it is very painful for them to hear me talk about those years, all those years when I was so intent on curing my daughter.  It may remind them of their own upbringing.  It may bring up all those devastating feelings of being unworthy or that they were somehow damaged or diseased, or any of the other hurtful words people use when discussing autism, that hurt them.   So to my Autistic friends, please skip down to the final paragraph.  The last thing I want to do is cause more pain and suffering to those I love.

At the time, after Emma’s diagnosis was given, I believed autism was something that could be “treated” the way one treats a disease.  Only it isn’t a disease.  But at the time I thought things like vitamin supplements , homeopathic remedies, therapies like ABA and diets could actually remove the “autism”, that these things would somehow transform her brain from an Autistic brain to a non Autistic brain.  I know it may sound over the top, even ridiculous to many, but at the time, I wanted to believe and so I bought into the idea that autism could be ‘removed’.  The concept of someone being pressured into learning to “pass” as non Autistic and the massive emotional and physical toll that inevitably takes, was not something I knew about at the time.  It never occurred to me to wonder what the fallout might be or how my own child’s self-esteem might suffer as a direct result of what I was doing and saying.

Over time, as I kept trying different things, which culminated in going to Central America for stem cell treatments, I continued to believe, being the very best mother I could be, meant doing everything I could to “remove” her autism.  I believed all those words that are used to describe autism: disease, affliction, epidemic and crisis.  Autism was BAD.  Autism meant all kinds of things and none of them were positive or beneficial.  So that’s what I pursued – a cure.  And I pursued a cure with the same dogged persistence I now apply to changing how autism is viewed by others.  Where I once was determined to change my daughter, I am now determined to change society’s views of autism and, it must be added, society’s views of Autistic people.

You cannot talk about autism without talking about Autistic people.  Yet people do all the time.  They talk about autism as though their words will have no affect on those who are Autistic.  But you can’t do that. When we talk about autism we ARE talking about our Autistic children.  We ARE talking about our Autistic friends.  We ARE talking about Autistic people.  What we say, how autism is depicted, DOES impact those who are Autistic .  It does directly affect how others then treat them.  To pretend that all the derogatory language used has no direct effect on Autistic people is ignoring that fact.  And this is where all of this no longer is just about my daughter and the risks I took and the impact my actions have had on her.  This is about something far bigger than any one person.  This is about a segment of the population who are Autistic and the fallout they must cope with from all of us talking about them as though it wasn’t about THEM, but instead was about a word – that word being – Autism.

Toward the end of the radio show, Lauri Swann spoke of how her son, Henry developed a relationship with his mentor Tracy Thresher and how transformative that was for him.  I reflected on how magical it was for Richard, Emma and me to visit Lauri and her family during the screening of Wretches and Jabberers this past April.  We reminisced about the evening before the screening, when we all went back to Lauri and Russ’s home and everyone sat around their dining room table typing to one another.  The only word I could come up with to describe that visit was “magical“.  And it was, because like the Autcom conference last fall and the Syracuse conference this past winter, being in an atmosphere of inclusion, where every single person is treated with the same respect as anyone else, where all are treated equal, is magical.  How did we move so far from those words in the Declaration of Independence ~ “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal”?  How did we get to this other place, where an evening like the one I’ve just described is considered out of the ordinary?

Now, sitting here writing this post, I am thinking about two more magical days and evenings when Ib came to New York City and stayed with us.  Ib is like family.  My children adore her.  My husband adores her.  I feel honored to know her, let alone call her my friend.  I don’t know how to talk about all of this when lines are drawn, when words are used that separate and divide.  I can’t do that and I don’t want to live in a society that does.  What people do not understand fully, or cannot completely appreciate, is this – when we stop dividing people into categories of us and them – we open ourselves up to the experience of being united, of really feeling that indescribable magic of connection.   The beauty of belonging.  The joy of interacting with our fellow human beings and rejoicing in our diversity.  There IS magic in that.  This is what I wish all human beings have the opportunity to experience.  This is what I hope I will live long enough to see occur on a grand scale.

Henry & Tracy during our magical visit with Lauri’s family

Henri & Tracy

Adrianna, Amy Sequenzia, Em & Me
Adrianna, Amy, Em and Me

Nic & Ib on the High Line

Nic & Ib

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Posted in Autism, Parenting, Stem Cells

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Where There’s Anger There’s Fear

Posted on May 6, 2013 | 18 Comments

It’s taken me decades to figure out that whenever I am angry, fear is lurking.  All kinds of people talk about the association between anger and fear, but it was not a thought I was able to appreciate.  It’s still not the first thought I have when I am angry about something.  It’s not even the second thought.  In fact, I’m lucky if it’s something I can remember at all when I’m angry.  Yet, if I look back on all those years when I was so very frightened of my daughter’s diagnosis and what I assumed that meant for her future, I see how linked the two were.  But it was the fear that grabbed me by the throat and no matter what I did, it seemed unaffected and unwilling to let me go.  It was the fear that made itself known to me; the anger was far more subtle and insidious.

“When you sense a threat  your mind generates fear and anger.  The fear you generate is part of a flight response from your physiology. Anger is the emotional energy you generate for the fight against that perceived threat.  What can be confusing is that your mind creates fear and anger even when the threat is just imagined.” ~ Pathway to Happiness

I understood things like the above paragraph.  In a calm state of mind, it made perfect sense that my anger was rooted in tremendous fear, even if imagined.  What did the future hold for my daughter?  How was she going to get through life?  How would we be able to keep her safe?  How would she fend for herself?  Would she be able to fend for herself?  Who would take care of her once we were gone?  Fear.  Fear.  Fear and more fear.  And then, without even realizing it, I would find myself furious.  Enraged.  And my rage found the perfect target.  Autism.  Autism was what I was furious with.  Autism was what the problem was, so it stood to reason that if I could remove it, all would be well.  So this is what I set out to do.  Except that my daughter happened to be Autistic.  But if I didn’t say it that way I could continue to separate the two.  I could continue to tell myself I was fighting the autism and not her.  I could continue to believe that my anger with autism would not affect her.

“Anger is the natural emotional reaction to what the mind and imagination are doing.  The way to overcome anger is to change  how the mind imagines stories and how much you believe them.  When the mind imagines painful scenarios you naturally produce anger.  To reduce and eliminate the anger it is necessary to shift the stories that the mind imagines.” ~ Pathway to Happiness, Understanding Anger

That quote more than any other sums up exactly what happened.  I had to change the story that my mind was imagining.  Instead of thinking – my daughter is locked inside an autistic cage that I need to find the key to free her from – I had to examine everything I thought I believed and start from scratch.  I had to rethink how I viewed autism, my daughter and how the two were completely intertwined and one.  I had to dissect all my preconceived ideas about autism and Autistic people and what I thought that meant.  I had to be open to other ideas about it.

For me that began with reading books.  First books like Representing Autism by Stuart Murray, Unstrange Minds by Roy Richard Grinker and Autism and Representation Edited by Mark Osteen and then I found blogs written by Autistic people, see the Resources page on this blog.  From there I began developing relationships with Autistic adults, not just the occasional interaction, but real friendships.  People I have grown to love deeply.  I had to find people who were non-speaking, or spoke intermittently.  I had to find people who were obviously Autistic and couldn’t “pass”, I had to spend time with those people.  And what I found was that far from being miserable, these people were living their lives, doing things, had found purpose and meaning and were active in their communities.  The very things I had been told could not, would not be possible for my child.

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” ~ Victor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning 

A and E_2185And so I found I had a choice.  I could choose to continue to live in fear of autism and all that people were telling me Autism meant or I could choose to embrace my Autistic child, learn, enjoy and let go of all that anger and fear as it came up, as it continues to come up.  Each time I feel fear and anger, and I do on a daily basis, I now know I have a choice.  I can fall into the fear and anger or I can step back from it, realizing it’s a mirage, realizing that as painful and real as it feels it is not a fact, it is a construct of my thinking and I can sit with it and not react to it.  Because my fear has me running away and my anger has me shouting, either action keeps me apart from others.  I have learned that the answer to both is to do something else.  And that is this – walk towards instead of away, speak lovingly instead of shouting and pushing away.

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Posted in Autism, Autism "Awareness", Autism Acceptance

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Accepting Ourselves So We Can Accept Others

Posted on April 23, 2013 | 13 Comments

Accepting myself has been an ongoing process and it began well before I became a parent and got married.  It began more than seventeen years ago when I was flailing about, bulimic, unable to stop using my substance of choice (food) the way a drug addict uses crack.  I have written about this period of my life before ‘here‘, ‘here‘, ‘here‘ and ‘here‘ so I won’t go into great detail again now.  Suffice it to say, I was out of control, scared, suicidal and I couldn’t stop binging and purging.  And then someone who had once been an active alcoholic and obese, with more than a hundred pound maintained weight loss, said to me, “What if you accept that this is where you are?”

I remember I looked at her in shock.  Even now, thinking back to her words I find I am holding my breath.  It was such a stunning statement.  Never had anyone suggested such a thing.  To me it suggested complete defeat.  It was blasphemous.  It was the single most heinous suggestion I’d ever heard.  I think I said something like, “Are you kidding?  What do you mean?”  I can no longer remember her exact words, but she said something like, “You just told me you can’t stop binging and throwing up.  You just said you are out of control.  You just gave me a detailed description of what you do, how completely depressed you are, how you’ve tried for twenty-two years to control yourself and yet here you are, still unable to.  What if you told yourself – okay.  This is where I am.  I am out of control.  I hate it.  I hate feeling this way.  I can’t stop.  I can’t stop hurting myself.  I can’t stop binging.  I can’t stop throwing up.  I can’t stop thinking about food.  I can’t stop abusing myself.  This is where I am.  I accept that I am here.  What if you did that?

I didn’t have an answer.  I couldn’t think.  I felt like I was being given a pop quiz I hadn’t studied for.  I stared at her and then she did the next thing that I could not understand or wrap my mind around.  She opened her arms in embrace and hugged me.  I remember my confusion, the feeling that this couldn’t be right, that she was unhinged, that the only thing that could save me from self-destruction was more self-criticism, more self-loathing and more self-recrimination.  But I also knew what she’d said made some sort of bizarre sense; for twenty-two years I’d been upping the self hate talk to no avail.  All that criticism I kept dumping on myself had gotten me exactly where I was – at a dead end.  So I took a deep breath, held onto her hand and took a metaphoric leap into the unknown.  The unknown of acceptance.

Just in case you’re wondering, it didn’t happen as quickly or as easily as this may sound.  That leap took years of practice, of gently reminding myself that whatever I was feeling, whatever I was doing, I could accept that in that moment I was where I was.  It took years and years of cultivating awareness, of being able to see when I took up the whip that I could also put it down again.  Kindness, compassion, gentle reminders and acceptance, this is the road I have tried to stay on.  As I said, this is very much a work in progress.  Some call it a ‘practice’ because ‘work’ sounds difficult.  My experience with acceptance has been that it is “work”.  It is not easy for me.  It does not come naturally.  I have stumbled along the way.  I continue to wander off at times, only to be brought back, gently, kindly and with compassion by others who are on the same path.  It takes gentle reminders, many nonjudgmental nudges to move back onto the path of acceptance.  But I have seen the light and know to follow it even when it grows dim.

My experience with acceptance regarding autism has followed a similar trajectory.  You might think – why didn’t she ‘get it’ right away?  Why did it take so long for her to remember that what had worked for herself would work with this too?   And the only answer I have is this – I forgot and I couldn’t see that they were connected.  I didn’t see the value in accepting autism because I didn’t see my child as Autistic.  I saw her as having been diagnosed with a word I feared and didn’t understand, and therefore was not going to accept.  Again it felt like defeat to accept.  It has only been a little over a year that I was able to make the connection.  And the thing that helped me make the connection came in the form of yet another person who accepted me and all my fear, guilt and shame with compassion.  Once I was able to make the connection, became aware of my lack of acceptance and allowed that to be, without adding criticism and judgement to it, was I finally able to begin the process of true acceptance.

Acceptance of ourselves and where we are in this moment opens us up to the wonder of all.

Pascal, Emma, Harvey & Henry typing to each other – April, 2013

H &E type

 

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Posted in Addiction, Autism, Parenting

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Be the Very Best YOU, You Can Be

Posted on April 2, 2013 | 39 Comments

There’s a great deal of talk about acceptance regarding autism this month, which is a wonderful shift from all the talk about “awareness”.  As I think more about acceptance I am aware of how often I think about “embracing” as in embracing all that each of us is, without trying to mold ourselves to be something we aren’t.  What if instead of doing everything in our power to force our autistic children to behave like some imaginary and impossible non-Autistic version of themselves, we instead encouraged them to be the very best Autistic them they could be?  The same way we do everything in our power to help our non Autistic children be the very best they can be.

Isn’t that what all of us are trying to do?  Aren’t we all trying to be the very best we can each be?  So what does that look like, how do we do that?  Well, by recognizing what we’re good at, for starters.  One of my brothers is an astrophysicist and the other is a micro-biologist.  My mother was a chemist, my father a financial advisor and I don’t have a “science-y” gene in my entire body.  In college I did everything in my power to avoid both science AND economics.  These subjects are of no interest to me.  Were someone to tell me, well, you know, your most successful same age peers all love and excel at these topics, therefore you need to apply yourself more to them, and I was then forced to take these classes and was not allowed to pursue my love of art, drawing, design, literature and writing, I would be miserable.

I don’t want to spend my life crunching numbers, looking at stock portfolios, and peering through microscopes.  None of that interests me.  Hand me a book on quantum physics and I fall asleep.  The only good that comes from giving me books like that to read is the money I save on unfilled Ambien prescriptions.  I will never be, nor do I want to be, a scientist or economist, I accept this fact completely.  I don’t feel ashamed by my lack of interest.  I don’t feel this is something I should feign interest in.  I have other interests and talents; I focus on those and am very happy.  That’s what we all do.  We avoid the things we aren’t so great at, and often have little interest in, and focus on what does interest us and where our talents lie.  If we were lucky we also had parents who encouraged, supported and cheered us on in pursuing those interests.

Why should any of this be different for our Autistic children?  I don’t want Emma to try to be someone she isn’t.  I want Emma to be the very best Emma that she can be.  Which means I need to support her interests and help her find the best way to communicate.  Verbal language is tough for her, typing seems to help her access a part of her mind, that verbal language cannot, so we are doing all we can to support her typing.  How she communicates is not as important as that she be able to.  She loves to perform and sing loudly, so we have a variety of microphones and an amp that she can use to hone her singing skills.  She loves her books, so in between reading her favorite Miss Spider book, I am teaching her about arachnids, what they eat, how long they live, how many legs they have and how they spin webs.  Spiders are actually kind of fascinating. Even though Emma loves the Miss Spider books because one of them includes an electrical storm (lesson plan coming on that topic soon!) and Miss Spider has a great many big emotions, which Emma likes to act out, complete with wringing her hands and pretend tears and cries of anguish, there are a great many topics I can piggy back on, to teach her about things like – the weather, electrical storms, any and all big emotions, pretend and real, etc.

I want to encourage her to explore all of these things and more.  Last night she wanted to watch a really bad movie that she’d seen her brother Nic watching about a two-headed shark who attacks a group of teenagers.  And despite my misgivings about the content (and just awful quality of the movie in general… The acting is phenomenally bad, the shark is the best thing in the movie) it was age appropriate and I figured I could turn it off if it got too gory and awful.  There was a great deal of emoting and blood curdling screams, which Emma thought hilarious.  She kept saying, “Watch out, the shark is going to come and eat you!  Oh no!  He’s going to bite your arm off!”  Then she pretended to bite me.  Bad movie, great time was had by all AND I now have another lesson plan I intend to create regarding sharks!

Be the very best YOU, you can be.  Now that’s the kind of acceptance I can get behind!

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Posted in Autism, Autism "Awareness", Autism Acceptance

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Acceptance And A Webinar

Posted on April 1, 2013 | 21 Comments

When my daughter was diagnosed first with PDD-NOS and later with autism, I easily fell into the ~ I-completely-love-and-accept-my-daughter-but-I-do-not-accept-her-autism ~ mindset.  At the time, this seemed perfectly logical and I didn’t think a great deal more about it.  Autism was the “problem” after all, not her, and once we got rid of the autism, everything else would fall into place.  When people said the word “acceptance” and “autism” in the same sentence I nodded my head yes, while my mind carefully separated autism from my daughter, plucked the word from the sentence and placed it into a box before closing the lid.

It took a very long time for me to understand that my daughter and autism were not to be separated.  And it wasn’t until I began developing real friendships with Autistic adults that I stopped trying or wanting to separate the two.  Acceptance is much more than tolerating something or saying – okay I won’t actively fight this any longer.  Acceptance is an embrace, it’s understanding and actively celebrating difference, it’s about looking inward and asking questions.  It’s about self-reflection and digging deep into the darkness of preconceived beliefs and being willing to be wrong.  It’s about saying – I don’t know and I don’t understand, will you help me?  It’s about being vulnerable and not “right” and it’s about the excitement of discovery and being curious and open to different ways of being and seeing the world.  To me, it is the most exciting way to live life.

To say I’m grateful to all those people in my life whose neurology falls under the Autistic label, would be a vast understatement.

Today at 4PM eastern time, Brenda Rothman of Mama Be Good, Melody Latimer of AS Parenting and I will be speaking about Parenting Toward Acceptance.  The webinar can be found at the following link – http://www.icdl.com.

In other news, I was more than a little surprised to see this – Top 10 Social HealthMakers

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Posted in Autism, Autism Acceptance, presume competence

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Embracing Change

Posted on March 1, 2013 | 17 Comments

When Em turned two, I said, “I’d give a limb to have her ask for something.”

When Em was three, I said, “If only she could tell me what was wrong.”

When Em was four, I said,  ”If only she was able to understand.”

When Em was five, I said, ”If only she would sleep through the night.”

When Em was six, I said, ”If only she would learn to use the bathroom during the night too.”

When Em was seven, I said, ”If only I understood what she was thinking.”

When Em was eight, I said, ”I just want her to be safe.”

When Em was nine, I said, ”I want her to have choices in her life.”

When Em was ten, I said, “I think I’m beginning to understand.”

When Em turned eleven, I said, “Thank you.  Just thank you.”

Things continue to change.  We adjust.  I continue to change and my life gets bigger and fuller.  Em continues to change and her life gets bigger and fuller.  I didn’t fully appreciate or understand this when Em was first diagnosed, but I do now.

Everything changes.  I’m learning to embrace it.

sc000a5075

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Posted in Autism, Parenting, special needs

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What Does Autism and The Hubble Space Craft Have in Common?

Posted on January 23, 2013 | 10 Comments

Most of you have probably read Jim Sinclair’s famous essay Don’t Mourn For Us.  If you haven’t, do.  In the Loud Hands:  Autistic People, Speaking Anthology a version of that essay comes after Julia Bascom’s wonderful Foreword.  By the way, if you didn’t see the Huffington Post interview I did with Julia regarding the anthology and future projects, you can read that by clicking ‘here‘ and I’ve also embedded a link so those of you who haven’t read the Anthology can buy it and read, because..  well this book needs to be read by every person on this earth AND it’s now available in paperback as well as on Kindle, so who can resist?  Here’s the “link” (again) to buy it.  Full disclosure – I bought this book for a number of my family members and gave it as a Christmas gift!

I read the anthology as a PDF file first, then I read it again in paperback and now I’m rereading it with my highlighter in hand.  There is not a single essay that has not been streaked with neon green highlighter.  The anthology has contributions from a wide range of people (a few of my favorite writers are missing, but I am hoping this anthology will be followed with a second that will include writing from E. of The Third Glance (not to be confused with “E.” who is in the current anthology), Aspie Kid, Michael Scott Monje Jr and Sparrow Rose Jones to name just a few.)  It’s not the type of book you can really quote from as each piece needs to be read in its entirety to get the full weight and power of it.

Having said that, I have to quote Jim Sinclair and hope that all of you will get the book and read it from cover to cover.  Jim wrote, “The ways we relate are different.  Push for the things your expectations tell you are normal, and you’ll find frustration, disappointment, resentment, maybe even rage and hatred.  Approach respectfully, without preconceptions, and with openness to learning new things, and you’ll find a world you could never have imagined.”  ”… you’ll find a world you could never have imagined.”  This has been my experience, exactly.  I think I’ve even said something close to this before.  I believe I’ve said finding Autistic voices and reading their words was like being presented with proof that another universe exists, but that I never knew about.  So for all of you who need or want proof that another universe, a more wondrous and fantastic universe than is imaginable, read the Anthology and be prepared to have your world changed in the best possible way!

One of Emma’s favorite Imax movies is about the Hubble Space Craft found to have a faulty lens and requires repair.  Once fixed, it produces absolutely hallucinogenic images of the universe that are so beautiful it is hard to believe they are real.  To me, autism is like those images, beyond anything I could have imagined.

Images taken from Hubble Space Craft 

HubbleSpaceTelescope_N90

6a01053624b365970c0120a5b6a7b5970b-800wi

 

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Posted in Autism, Autistic Role Models, neurodiversity

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Living in the Grey

Posted on January 8, 2013 | 28 Comments

No, this post has nothing to do with porn, soft, hard or anything in between.  In fact, this post is not about sex at all.   There will not be any numbers or shades or subtle, implied meanings of anything remotely titillating.  For those who were hoping otherwise, best to move along…

However, I do have a confession to make.  I tend toward extreme thinking.  An example, if someone cuts me off while I’m waiting for the subway, grabbing the one remaining, unoccupied seat, forcing me to stand, I can get into some pretty abysmal thinking.  I am likely to assume the day is cursed, as I engage in heinous thinking about the person who “stole” MY seat, to apocalyptic views about the nature of human beings.  I know this about myself.  I know I have a difficult time living in the soft, greyness of life, while rejecting the glaring, yet far more exciting black and white tragedy or ecstasy of my circumstances.

For years I felt mildly victimized by Em’s diagnosis.  I felt no one really understood or could possibly understand and any who suggested otherwise offended me.  Then I found Autistic adults who were not living the tragedy I had assumed was my daughter’s inevitable future.  In fact, these adults were interesting, smart, some spoke, some did not, others spoke on occasion, some communicated through typing, others communicated through typing with a facilitator, some had careers, others didn’t, some were in relationships, others weren’t, some had children, others did not.  Some have become friends, one in particular has become a close friend, someone I seek out, think about, want to spend time with, look forward to talking to and miss when our schedules do not allow us to connect.  In knowing her I’ve been able to dispense with the “victimized” mindset.  She’s helped me enormously, not just in giving me a better, more tempered view of autism and breaking down some of the more harmful stereotypes and beliefs I once held about autism and Autistic people, but in what it means to be human.

I have gone from feeling a low-grade sense of sorrow for my circumstances to feeling fortunate and grateful for my life and family.  I don’t mean that everything is perfection and that we never encounter moments of sadness or unhappiness, I just mean that I no longer pin my dark moods and feelings on “autism”.  In fact, I feel ridiculously fortunate.  I have met more fascinating people in the past year than I ever imagined possible.  I no longer wonder what life would be like had I not had an autistic child.  I am grateful for the life I have.  I am grateful for both my children and I’m grateful for my friendships.  I find I am living more and more often in that comfortable grey area of non-extremes.  (Please feel free to remind me of this post when I write something less “evolved”.)

And that woman on the subway, who for the past four years has shot in front of me to grab the only remaining unoccupied seat on more mornings than I can count?  I wish her well.  I even gave up my seat, so she could sit this morning AND I didn’t feel smug or resentful; I just kept reading my email.  Who knows?  Tomorrow I may even muster up the courage to smile at her.  Because you know what?  Life is just too damn short.  Besides I’m growing fond of the grey.

Christmas Eve Dinner – 2012

Christmas Eve Dinner
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Dreams of a New World…

Posted on December 24, 2012 | 50 Comments

Moral dilemmas continue to plague…  I have never seen myself as one of those mothers who poured all of her competitive spirit into shamelessly promoting her child.  A kind of stage mom gone rogue, using her kid’s exuberant charm and/or talents to gain recognition from thousands of strangers.  A kind of warped narcissistic mirror of neediness, an adult version of a child’s plea, Look at me!  Look at me!  Yet, in light of recent events with parents blogging about their children, posting photos, using their real names, telling excruciatingly personal stories, many not kind or endearing, while supposedly illuminating their child’s and their struggles for all the world to read, judge and comment on as a way to advocate for better services, it’s impossible for me not to reflect on what exactly am I doing here and how is what I’m doing so dissimilar?

I began this blog as a record, of what I hoped and expected would be, Em’s progress after a series of radical stem cell treatments.  I didn’t think or expect this would be read by anyone other than family and friends and those who might be thinking of embarking on similar radical treatments to “cure” their Autistic child.  At the time, April 2010, I wasn’t thinking ahead, I didn’t consider the broader implications, I thought of this space, this blank page, as a place I could come to record what I saw and hoped for, while believing that whatever it was, it would be “miraculous”.

What I didn’t know, couldn’t have known, was that the miracle that occurred ended up having nothing to do with stem cell treatments or any other treatment or therapy.  The miracle has been my own evolution, a kind of 180 degree turn from where I once was in my thinking, in my attitude and in my expectations about autism and what it means to be autistic.  And while there is no doubt that my daughter continues to make wonderful, steady progress, it is not as the result of various remedies and treatments we embarked upon, but rather as a direct result of NOT engaging in those various so-called “therapies”.   What harm we may have done to our daughter because of those treatments, bio-medical and otherwise, is something we will never know, but must live with the uncertainty for the rest of our lives.  

So why write about all of this?  Does the world really need another parent blog about their kid?  Probably not.  However, and here is where things get muddy for me, every time I think about ending this blog, every time I think I can’t keep doing this, it’s not right, it’s not fair to my daughter, it’s not for me to write about her, it’s not for me to broadcast what she says and/or does, it’s not for me to post photos of her, these are not my truths, they are hers to tell if and when she can, every time I think along these lines I wonder if I would have done things differently had I read a blog of someone’s journey that was similar to mine?  Would I have still gone to such drastic lengths?

Is it possible a child’s life might be made just a little easier because of something I write or say here?  Is that just ridiculously grandiose to even think in these terms?  And yet, I have to go back to my own history of having an eating disorder for more than 2o years and the help I was given from hearing others candid, uncensored stories of hope and recovery.  Those stories that resonated were the ones I clung to so desperately during those first painful and terrifying years as I tried to change my life.  Years when making it through a single day without binging and puking was considered a “good” day.  I needed those stories.  Had those people NOT told them I doubt very much I would have gotten through.  I don’t mean that to sound self-congratulatory, it’s actually the opposite, I could not have gotten to where I am without all those people, all those stories, all those people who reached out to me and said, “it’s okay, you can do this.  Here’s my number, give me a call if you’re in trouble.”  I learned to lean on people, I learned that I didn’t have all the answers, I learned that there were more things I couldn’t control than I could.  I learned what it meant to accept what is, the here and now.  I learned about being present and that I hold my breath when I’m fearful and I learned that I wasn’t alone.

So in the end, this blog is no longer a document of “my daughter’s journey through a childhood of autism” as I once described it.  This blog is a document of my journey as a parent and as a human being and how autism has changed my views.  It is a far more beautiful and complex world than I ever imagined or dreamed possible.  It is a world that is evolving, far too slowly for my taste, but I have seen glimmers of what is possible.  A world where we do not segregate, where ALL people are treated as equals, not just as an idea, but in reality, a world where everyone is fortunate enough to have an Autistic person in their life.  A world where autism is no longer feared, but is embraced.

Sunset

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The Impact of Acceptance and Non-Acceptance

Posted on October 26, 2012 | 22 Comments

My friend Steve Summers wrote this a few days ago.  I asked Steve if I could repost his words here and he gave me his permission.

“Today I feel tired. –

Tired of being rejected.
Tired of being ignored.
Tired of being excluded.
Tired of being treated like an outcast.
Tired of being treated like a misfit.
Tired of feeling like others look down on me for being different.
Tired of being expected to try and act ‘normal’ to have a ‘normal’ life. — I am not ‘normal.’ I am Autistic.
Tired of people who think that just trying harder will make Autistic people ‘more normal.’ — Would you tell a blind person to try harder to see? Would you tell a paraplegic to try harder to walk? Would you tell a colorblind person to try harder to see the colors that they can’t see?
Tired of people who don’t understand Autism and who don’t make any effort to learn about Autism so that they can cure their own ignorance.
Tired of people who refuse to accept Autistic people just as they are.
Tired of people who presume incompetence.
Tired of neuro-bigotry.
Tired of the silence of others. Silence is *not* support.
 
Want to help us? –
Listen to Autistic people.
Make an effort to learn about Autism.
Educate yourself about what we go through each and every day.
Learn about how negative attitudes make us feel.
Practice Autism Acceptance.
Accept that we are different, not less.
Accept that we are different, but *not* defective. Don’t try to make us into a poor copy of your idea of ‘normal.’
Accept that we are okay to be ourselves — just as we are.
Accept that we are  humans with feelings just like everyone else.
Accept that Autistic rights are human rights.
Presume our competence.
Don’t avoid us, include us.
Most of us have social anxiety. Please be kind and reassuring to us.
Please reach out to us. We won’t often make the first move after suffering from a lifetime of rejection, exclusion, and being bullied.
Please practice inclusion.
 
I am Autistic and I want to be valued and accepted for simply being me. ~ Steve Summers”

Steve is my friend.  I am so glad I know him.  I value our friendship.  I enjoy our conversations.

Yesterday I wrote about acceptance, specifically acceptance of one’s Autistic child by a parent.   Parents who do not accept their “child’s autism” often feel criticized and bristle at the perceived implication that they do not “love” their child, “correctly”, “in the right way” or “enough”.   I know how completely uninterested I was in the idea of acceptance when I was engaged in an all out battle with Emma’s autism, intent on extricating her from its gnarled grasp.  (This last sentence was very much in keeping with how I thought of autism at the time.)  What I didn’t consider, what I didn’t know to consider, was Steve and every single person who is autistic who feels the way Steve does.

My inability to accept my daughter’s autism impacts her.  Just as I cannot extricate the Autistic parts of her, I cannot pluck out the “autism” from how she sees herself.  My non-acceptance, as well intended, as well-meaning as it was, was still felt by her as a criticism of her.  But I didn’t know that at the time.

I think we, human beings, forget how pervasive and destructive our ideas about others are.  If we are in the majority, our influence, the reach of our opinions are even more destructive.  We say, oh but I love her, I just hate the way she walks, talks, the sound of her voice, the color of her skin, eyes, hair.  I love her, but I hate the way her mind works, how long it takes her to get dressed, the way she eats…  No really, I DO love her.  And we do.  We feel tremendous love.  I loved my daughter all those years I was fighting her autism.  I did.  I absolutely did.  I fought her autism BECAUSE I loved her so much.  But then I met people like Steve and Julia and E. and Kassiane and Bridget and Savannah and Laura N. and Sam and Amy and Gareeth and I read what it was like to be brought up by parents who didn’t accept their “autism” and how it felt.   And I began to understand.  I was able to hear what they were saying and I began to see the connection.

Thank you Steve for allowing me to print your words here. Thank you for writing this.  Thank you for helping me parent my daughter differently, so that in ten, fifteen, twenty years from now maybe, just maybe, she will not feel quite so tired.

Emma – 2004

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